There are plenty of ways to avoid getting in shape, but this routine has worked really well for me over the past few weeks. Give it a try!
First you have sign up for a couple of events that are within reach for your current level of fitness, but are very likely to leave you pretty tired afterwards. In my case an endurance mountain bike ride on one day and a 60 mile road ride the next day did the trick. By the time I finished the road ride, my legs were shot. Take it easy the next couple of days to help yourself recover from the big effort. You should probably even avoid the easy 15 mile round trip to work because it might help you to get in some more base miles and saddle time.
Late in the week, try a group ride and surprise yourself by hammering to keep up with a faster group than you’re used to, and notice it doesn’t even hurt. Two days after that, go on a road ride in the morning, do yard work all day, then a mountain bike ride in the afternoon. You’re feeling really good now, nearly there! Drink a few beers at the baseball game that night to get good and dehydrated for the crucial steps in your shape-avoidance plan.
The next day, spend the whole day with the family, then on the way home from church in the afternoon, stop at Lowes for some top soil for the flower beds. When the soil you want is way back under a shelf and you have to stoop over while lifting the 40 pound bags out to your bazillion pound cart, manfully ignore your wife’s suggestion to get a Lowes employee to pull the palette out for you. When you get home, don’t bother getting down the wheelbarrow to haul around those bags of soil. You can carry them one by one as long as you’re careful with your lower back!
Two days later, wonder where the pain in your neck and shoulders came from. Hey, at least it’s not your lower back, so you can walk and sit, it’s just lifting your arms, turning your head, and, strangely, yawning that cause you to flinch every time in pain.
Spend the rest of the week babying your neck and shoulders. Don’t even take the dog on a walk — if the back yard is good enough for the squirrels it’s good enough for him, right?
By now you’ve squandered all the hard work and long rides, it’s time to get serious again. Wake up early Saturday and ride. But wait, it’s nothing but rain rain rain all weekend, so the best you can stomach is half an hour on the trainer in the garage. Mission accomplished!